Why some people find it hard to make friends

Today everyone talks about the importance of friends, from doctors to journalists. Friendship, they say, cures loneliness, prolongs life and makes us happier. But what if you have no friends - at all?

Researchers from Canada decided to find out what it's like to be an adult without a circle of close friends. Their study involved 21 people, mostly between the ages of 20 and 35. Some are in school, some are already working. Some live in families or couples, and some are almost completely isolated. But they all have one thing in common: they have no real friends in their lives.

💬 "I'm sad and then I'm fine."

One of the participants, a student called "Andrew", said: "I often feel lonely but at the same time I feel comfortable alone. I am an introvert. I want solitude. But I keep fluctuating: then I'm ok with having no friends, then I'm really not ok."

Such contradictions are not uncommon. In a culture that values friendship on one side and exalts independence and personal boundaries on the other, it's easy to get lost.

🤷 Why aren't there any friends?

There are many reasons. Someone stopped socialising after moving or graduating high school. Someone became disillusioned with toxic "friends", someone chose career or family. Someone trivially doesn't have time to socialise. Someone left social networks and lost all connections.

And then there are external circumstances: the COVID-19 pandemic, for example, simply reinforced the isolation that already existed. Many participants said, "I didn't even have anyone before the lockdown."

😐 Lonely ≠ unhappy

Interestingly, participants talked about mate and loneliness in different ways. Some complained about homesickness and lack of socialising. And some were proud of the fact that they had learnt to cope on their own. Sometimes in the same interview a person spoke first of sadness and then of the joy of independence.

For example, "Melissa", an office manager, complained about loneliness, but added: "But I can do everything on my own - because I don't have anyone to rely on".

😔 It's embarrassing to be without friends

Many people described feeling ashamed of not having friends. Like there's "something wrong" with them. This feeling isn't about personal guilt though, it's about societal expectations. According to the authors of the study, loneliness is not only the result of personal decisions, but also a consequence of the way society is structured.

❓So why not just make friends?

It sounds simple, but in practice it's not all that rosy. Where to make friends when you have an unstable schedule, no available spaces for socialising, and work and worries burn out time and energy? Friendship requires not only desire, but also conditions.

If society really considers friendship valuable, it is worth thinking not only about the "friendliness of people" but also about policies, infrastructure, opportunities - everything that makes true friendship possible.