Psychologists told how to survive holiday feasts: the "grey stone" method

Holidays for many people are not only about lights and tangerines, but also about heavy family gatherings, intrusive questions and relatives who know how to "get you" with half a turn. It is for such situations that psychologists discuss a tactic called "grey rocking", MediacalXpress writes.

What is the "grey rock" method

President-elect of the American Psychiatric Association Mark Rapaport says that many patients ask:

"How do I deal with relatives who pry, trigger or say abusive things?"

One option is to behave as dull and emotionally neutral as possible, like a "dull grey stone", explains clinical psychologist Samantha Whiten.

The bottom line:

• respond briefly and politely, without emotion;

• don't get into arguments or "heart-to-heart" arguments;

• don't give the reaction you're being asked for.

The goal is to deprive the person of the "fodder" in the form of your anger, resentment or indignation, so that he or she loses interest and backs off.

For example, if your uncle at a holiday party brings up politics again and you've previously descended into shouting, with the "grey stone" method you respond calmly and vaguely:

"Interesting point of view. How are you doing at work?"

That is, you politely "move off" the topic without being provocative.

When it can help

The method is most often discussed as a way of communicating with:

• narcissistic,

• manipulative,

• toxic people.

But, says Whiten, it can be used in any situation where you want to minimise conflict but can't completely avoid contact - for example, at a family dinner, a corporate party or a shared celebration.

Rapaport notes that while there are no major scientific studies on the effectiveness of grey stone, the idea itself makes sense:

"The key in these circumstances is not to get emotionally involved."

Minuses and risks of the method

Psychotherapist Darlene Lancer warns: if you use this tactic all the time, it can hit you yourself.

Possible consequences:

• you get used to dumbing down your feelings,

• you become emotionally numb,

• you build up unexpressed resentment and anger,

• and you grow distant with your loved ones.

"I don't recommend this method for relationships you want to maintain and grow," Lancer says.

For long-term, important connections, she considers it healthier:

• talk honestly,

• discussing what hurts you,

• building boundaries with words rather than a silent "disconnect."

On occasion, "grey stone" can even offend a person - especially if they genuinely don't understand that their comments displease you. For example, an elderly relative asks for the tenth time when you will have children, considering it just a "nice conversation", and you perceive it as pressure.

Sometimes it's better to calmly but bluntly say:

"I realise you are well-meaning, but this is a topic I don't want to discuss".

How to prepare for difficult holidays

Experts advise preparing in advance and thinking through a "behaviour plan".

1. Define your goal
For example:

• "Not to get involved in any scandal",

• "Don't discuss politics."

• "Don't talk about your personal life."

2. Think of neutral phrases in advance
For example:

• To unsolicited advice:

  "Thanks, I'll think about it."

• To an uncomfortable question:

  "I don't want to discuss it right now."

• To a provocative opinion:

  "That's an interesting point of view."
  "I know it's important to you."

3. Enlist the support of allies
Rapaport suggests making arrangements with loved ones ahead of time:

"If you see the conversation getting heated, come over and distract me, take me to the kitchen or another room."

4. Watch out for alcohol and other substances
Alcohol severely impairs your ability to keep your cool, and all prepared tactics are easily broken when drunk.

5. Shift your focus to pleasurable things and try to show some empathy
Rapaport advises remembering that behind many annoying behaviours are:

• vulnerability,

• insecurity,

• an inability to communicate properly.

By seeing a little of a person's weaknesses, rather than just annoying words, emotional reactions can become softer.

After all, it is the holidays after all - and a little generosity of heart sometimes works better than any psychological trick.